Saturday, May 27, 2006

Fear of Success

I woke up at 5:15am, which is unusual for me as I am a niteowl by training and by biology. Why? I have been working at the local fabric store where I hang out in my off time, making samples for some of the upcoming classes and in general, just being in the way and helpful, to some. Anyway, I am taking a class on wearable art embellishment and have been in a stew all week about which way I expect my design go. I am experienced enough as an artist to know that sometimes the art takes its own way - I can finally say that after many years of blushing, oh-pshaw, and shuffling of feet. I also know that sometimes the people that I hang out with may know my style better than me and sometimes they don't. So when I tell the shop owner the dilemma of which way I may want to go-choices, choices- she has me going in a third direction! But I don't wanna go in that direction!!!! I envision the finished project this way, does everybody else envision it happening another way? Or are they just waiting to see if I stay true to style or form? Is she enabling or hindering? Is it just me?

The other half of the zero-dark thirty debate is the fear of success. I want this to succeed. I was dreaming about checking things off of a list. I have no clue what was on the list or what it was about, but there I was, checking things off. Then the dog I'm sitting this week went into a tizzy over the paper girl landing the paper on the porch and woke the other dogs up. Quickly there was a chorus in the front room that continued for longer than the paper girl to deliver her papers on the block and leave to go to the next one. Anyway, the fear of success is one that I have been struggling with for a long time. Learning is fun, concepts are easy, some things are not. The learning disability I was diagnosed with is subtle, insidious and dangerous to my grade point average and my sense of acceptance of self. Some things to learn are easy and some require taking a class 2 or even 3 times to learn the material enough to pass. Many researchers and those who work with this type of cognitive disability remark that the people with this diagnosis are street smart, well read, articulate, extremely intelligent about how people and the world around them work.But are considered "not working to potential" or "lazy" or whatever. It's not that we're lazy, its that we can't pass a formal test of our knowledge to show what we can do. I couldn't pass the SAT to save my life, but have a 127 on an IQ test. Go figure!!

So the fear of success and the concept of my design are related how?...........It just means that I can stop banging my head against the wall and have found a way to go around the wall. Novel concept, that! Sometimes the fear of finding a new way to work around the disability is more painful than banging the head against the wall. Sometimes winning is fun after all!!!! I will just take my design and the clues that my friends and enablers give me and I will see what comes of it. After all, its only art,......and there's another piece to do tomorrow.

Do Not Fear Your Expectations! You Are Better Than They Are!

By the way, Finals went well. Grades are back, two A's, two B's and a C. WAHOO!!!!!

Monday, May 15, 2006

finals week's finals week. it started last week on thursday. No regular class, for me anyway, just the final instructions and the final assignments and the dates due and..... the crazyiness happens. It just does. today I turned in my 10 page government paper. I hope I waxed just the right eloquence to pass. tried to sell back some books, got a whole whopping $5.50! and still came home with a bag of books. Tomorrow is a biology test and thursday for turning in redone homework. Then we are finito for the semester. I don't know if I'm happy or not?

Sunday, May 07, 2006

busy busy busy

Things have been really hectic. the last of the last minute midterms at school before finals start next week. A project or two for the Quintessential Quilters. Last month and this, the mini project has been to make post card quilts. A tiny quilt 4 in by 6in that could be sent in the mail. We're not going to, but you can if you want, if you don't add embellishments such as beads, feathers, etc. You can use thread, paint, markers, stamps, fusibles to make your card. Here's a few of the ones I made:

Festival! the fabric had little Japanese
fish kites on it.
I thought Kewl!
A post card.
this took all of 15 minutes to assemble and make.

This on is called:
"Sailing on the Coast".
I think I am going to send this
one to my best friend from high school:

This is a representation of the
Nasturtiums in the back yard.